The days when I feel particularly down...I try to think of my rainbow. When I was little I used to love drawing them and of course there was always a pot of gold at the end of it. And naturally because I am older I realize that pots of gold aren't laying around anywhere. But no one has never told me that something better awaits me beyond the dark clouds. There's got to be an end to the shadows and the rain. There is an opposite to all things...and in my trials I am comforted by God's Promise. The rainbow...and His Word.

Romans 12 is speaking to me! What a powerful Word. I haven't read it in awhile but I'm realizing that God is calling me for something higher as He is calling all of us. I got to get there!
I may lose friends but I got to get there, afterall God is the only friend I need, right? Right..but what good are you if your basking in God's greatness and doing it solo. Bring them with you! Yes! :) Bring them...God says..."not slothful in business, fervent in spirit; serving the Lord." Romans 12:12. For me the "business" has got to be God's!! I think what my problem is that I've been too busy doing other people's business...runnin' around like a jackass, thinkin' I was cute in my sin!! The nerve of me :)...I know I'm silly but with humor comes truth. I'm tired of doin other peoples business...cause in the end what have they done for me?!? (Long pause) Nada...is the answer. ..."fervent in spirit"...God's business...

Discovering. I find myself doing that these days. Re-evaluating myself and looking me over..its not an easy process. Looking oneself over and examining your body and mind can be excruciating. But necessary!
Are we worthy? No. Am I worthy?!? No, and will I ever be? No. But am I even close to the requirements that God has given us...hmm, now that's food for thought. I'm not one to break out bible verses but Romans 12:1...my fav bible verse..."that ye present your bodies a living sacrifice, holy, acceptable unto God, which is your reasonable service."
You mean we have to do stuff?! :) God's love is unconditional yes but he requires some things from us. You can run from it, party from it, steal, lie, cheat, deny it even but you cannot hide from the Word. Its like a spotlight that will find you. Guess what it found me! My numbers hit :)...God says its time daughter...come now and do your reasonable service.

Spending time with those that love you is important. Growing up I sometimes felt that I wasn't loved. But I can remember thinking of God's abundant grace and feeling that yes indeed someone did love me and I wasn't really that desperate.
I'm not perfect and definitely don't always have the right answers...not even close in fact. I'm just striving striving striving to know Him better. Knowing Him better makes me better. Point here is that God's love is vital..family, ie: people arent always dependable. We must lean upon God..he never gets tired!!

You ever feel like your being used? And what's worse you know your being used and you do nothing about it. Its as if your hands and feet are bound..tape across your mouth...you feel completely restricted to do anything.
Have you ever allowed yourself to be free...rip the restraints off. What a great feeling it is to take the burden of domination off. To lift your head up and say NO...not anymore.
When it seems almost impossible to bear...God does the work! Its okay to tag in your partner...HE will finish the job! It wasn't your battle to begin with...give it to Him. He will be Victorious!!

So, today has been an extremely exhausting and interesting day! A day is not normal it seems unless some disappointment appears. I think I definitely experienced a lot of emotions today...up, down, in the middle, happy, sad...fed up, tired, hopeful, excited and angry. They were all present...its as if they woke with me. All waiting in line for their turn...they came and went but I am still here. Stil thankful to the One and Only...my Father.
I lay here and reflect on this day...and come to only one conclusion. I have the power to change...only me. And perhaps things/my situation hasn't completely changed because I haven't. Its as if I'm waiting for something...I feel at times I'm supposed to just BE. Stop making plans, stop being busy and just concentrate on God. Not an easy task...but I will put my trust and confidence in only Him...

Am I real...

Hi and dry
That's how I've been gettin by
Sun beams not in my sights
The lonely moon is my light
The cleansing well is far away
My mind not yet awake
The heart beats fast
Pulsing
Fading
Into the earth

I remember finally having the courage that day to leave. I can remember sitting on my bed and something saying..go. I moved the dresser and walked out...
As I walked tears were streaming down my face and I'll never forget walking past two men...and one of them said to me..."Sweetheart, it can't be that bad...your too beautiful to cry". Don't worry I didn't take his "beautiful" comment to the head, but it spoke to me. Through all the mess that I endured and would still...it couldn't be that bad. Gods hand was on me...completely unworthy..it was. And it would be He that loved me so much that would always tell me to go...and so I do. Never stopping...often pausing though. I am indeed imperfect but always striving toward Him. He is my comfort in dark places! How could I have ever gotten so far from His reach...

I have a particular memory of this apt I used to live in with my mother...I was the youngest so it was just me and her for a number of years. I believe I was about 15 yrs old...it was custom for me to literally lock myself in my room. I would take my dresser and push it in front of my door and stay in my room, sometimes not eating for a day. I can remember one day I had to urinate very badly but my mother was having what I like to call an "episode"...screaming and cursing at the top of her lungs while throwing things. I had to pee in a bottle that night. Gross I know but this is an example of what I went through. But I don't claim to have had it so bad because I realize that so many had it worse.
Anyway..one day my mom was going off...and on this day I was her focus. She was screaming how I was such a "bitch" and "whore". She was throwing things at my bedroom door and banging on it...tormenting me...

My childhood...if I had to desribe it in one word...hmm, unique! I think I would say that it was unique! With the exclamation point...and it couldn't of happened any other way.
If I had to do it all again..I indeed would endure.
My mother raised four of us, on her own. I didn't know my father until I was about four or five. And my relationship with him is its own book. So I'm sure you get the idea..we struggled. My mother had 2 jobs, and raised four kids on her own...all while attending church every other day, no doubt.
But like I said my mother suffered from mental illness, not sure when it began. I believe she hid until it overcame her and this disease spilled out of her mind finally. It would change us all...and how I do not know I managed to have faith and still believe that everything would be okay.
Its mindblowing...

So today began like any other day...until something occurred that disturbed the cycle of my normal Wednesday routine.
What disturbed it is insignificant...what is important here is that I continued on...in the midst of a storm I continued on. I didn't curse or scream...I said ok..this is what it is..let's move on. Afterall God will not give me more than I can bear. And I have always been one to carry on even when I didn't want to.
When I think back on my life I come to only one conclusion...I shouldn't be here. There were so many days when I just wanted it all to end...yet here I am. Alive and still God fearing!
I was plagued with depression as a teenager, my mother (I love her so) put me through hell. She struggles with mental illness and I endured it all with her. As an 11 year old I was forced to grow up fast. The mother that I knew had vanished one day and I had to immediately cope...

So what is the path of my purpose?? This is the million dollar question....Live a life that God would have you live...ideally one that is morally right and not wrong, do good: give charity, help the poor, save others (non-christians), repent unto God, etc.
There's a whole list of rights...but what's more interesting there is an even longer list of wrongs...what's even more interesting than that is that I know this path (of wrong) is not my purpose. So what do (I) we end up doing?...striving to get on the path of purpose. Struggling! (I'll get back to how I know the "wrong" path is not "right".)
A formidable path to say the least is this "right/purposeful" path. But its what I heard is the only way to go. And I've never given up yet...

So..here it is. My blog...why or what is the purpose of this. I simply wish to express myself freely...take whoever happens upon this to witness my journey. I do not claim to be wise at all, still young in years I continue to strive...to learn and of course make mistakes. All of the poems are by me...so please do not attempt to steal or use without permission. I pray that God directs me in the path of my purpose...and that you are blessed. The Unwatered Rose...still lives...by grace and mercy, no less!

The Unwatered Rose

A light from God
Born as it was
He already knew of the tests
The colors it would create
The light and dark it made
Cast from the bosom it drank
down into a well..
oh how neverending it seemed
Shadows all about
It needed the rain
Clouds never gave way to the midst
Hardly visible to the garden
It managed a reflection of that same light
It stands firm and tall with every petal that it won
Only nurtured by the Rock
The unwatered seed somehow became this rose
Beautiful it would be named
and so the journey of the rose, it has begun

Husniya S.